Sometimes I think I have found my voice… other I think I am still in the search…
I write to discover it, to discover me. Every step I take, takes me closer to it, to me.
I have always been red; no doubt, no questions asked. It has been my favorite color since I can remember. I would buy everything in that color, pens, clothes, bags, everything.
Now what does red means? It is passion, fire, intensity… There are no substitutions.
And I was red in all the sense of the word.
Almost a year ago something started to change, I wasn’t sure what or how, and I am not sure when did it start and when will it end, but I am changing I can feel it in the air, in the water, in the fire and mostly in me…
Suddenly I was more into purple than red, I would sometimes think purple was my favorite color. For a long time I tried to ignore it, I kept saying red was it and I was red.
When change appears it is inevitable. There is no stopping or turning back. But I didn’t understand it at all; and I didn’t like it a bit. Why was I liking purple? Why was I becoming purple? It didn’t make sense.
Suddenly I wasn’t going out that much, I was kind of laying low; all of this was making me sad and depressed, I didn’t understand at all. I was frustrated to be purple, because red is a great color, and I loved everything about being red.
After a couple of months really sad because I could see I was changing, but depressed because I wasn’t red and I was feeling purple, bug I was seeing blue. And while wondering people told me I was never going to stop being red, but I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t understand any of it. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t wanted to go out, not partying, not dancing, not nothing; even people around me didn’t understand, they thought I was getting sick or something. I didn’t want to stop being red; I was holding on to it, don’t wanting to let go.
But suddenly one day it hit me, like lighting, what I wasn’t seeing was that purple = red + blue, I was adding blue to my palette. And it made sense blue is cool, calm, and pacific; I was growing, maturing.
It was the increase in blue what made me blue, I didn’t know how to deal with it, I had never had blue in me, but I am becoming purple, a combination of red and blue. I have my red days and my blue days; I party and sometimes I stay home; I go out and sometimes I cook in; I see people and I enjoy my solitude. Now it doesn’t make me sad not wanting to go out, I enjoy my alone time, I enjoy my home. I don’t have to be out all night every night. I am growing and maturing, I am changing, but now through color I understand what is happening with me. Now I am purple, but I will always have a little red in me. I can still pull an all nighter, but I can enjoy a staying in.
Sometimes my favorite color is still red, sometimes I feel blue, but now I am purple and purple is me.
"I am not longer the same: my personality hasn't change, but certainly my being-in-the-world has." Sartre, (in a letter to Simone on Sept 28, 1939)
