I don´t want to live like this... I want to live like that...

I don´t want to live like that, waiting for Friday and avoiding the Mondays...
I don´t want to have a difficult time waking up and counting the minutes till I have to go...
I don´t want to drag my feet up the stairs and have to deal with the tension pain...
I don´t want to be scared when they call my name...
I don´t want to live like this, avoiding the bridge I am crossing...
I don´t want to be scared and comfortable...
I don´t want to procrastinate more than anything...
I don´t want to dread going to work...
I don´t want to live like this, suffering throughout the path...

I want to live like that, enjoying the whole week...
I want to be singing, even when it is a sad melody...
I want to wake up so early I am still asleep but have the strength to go where I have to...
I want to laugh at nothing and smile at my own reflection...
I want to make people happy by the sole fact that I am there...
I want to live like this, knowing that I will reach my purpose...

I am going to tell you...

I am going to tell you the truth... but in my own way and at my own pace...

I am going to tell you that I kind of like you, not in the "can´t sleep, can´t eat, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of love", more in the you are cute, kind of funny, ultra smart, this could work out kind of way...

I am going to tell you that it grew out of I have no idea how we met or why we are fb friends.

I am going to tell you that I am afraid of falling for someone, of letting them know how I feel, of showing my true self, of being serious about it.

I am going to tell you I almost never let go, always think thrice what I am going to say and I am afraid of just blurt it all out.

I am going to tell you that I think a hundred times a day about the small talks and shots we´ve shared.

I am going to tell you that all of my friends think there is something between us and that your cousin thinks we should be introduced.

I am going to tell you I stare at the photos we took together at my bday and that I think about posting some general on fb but I am afraid it will be an "I like you" kind of statement

I am going to tell you how I think about screaming at the seven winds that I think you are amazing and I kind of end up showing our photo to the people around me.

I am going to tell you that I am trying to figure out how to approach you and how to let you know that I like you.

I am going to tell you that I wish every day that you feel the same about me and you decide to do something before I chicken out.


I am going to tell you the truth, in my own way and at my own pace... which will probably be never... but I am going to tell you...

Time to let go...

It is that moment in my life when I have to choose between letting go or staying behind, and for that matter there really isn't a plausible option of staying behind, it is more like keeping this depressed-hostile-attitude while the world keeps going. So of course I am choosing 'letting go' because I am tired of suffering, of disappointments and all that involves dragging your past.

I am making a list of everything that I am letting go.

So here we go:
-I am letting go of the heart-breaking experience of moving out of California and leaving that kind of life and amazing friends behind.
-I am letting go of those horrible friends that kept my life miserable in Mexico.
-I am letting go of the pain my dad went through when he lost his father and letting go of the pain I went through losing a grandfather.
-I am letting go of that job at the Film Festival that didn't quite worked for me.
-I am letting go of the guy that I kind of liked that stood me up.
-I am letting go of that illusion with the Colombian guy.
-I am letting go of all the fears of failing and succeeding.
-I am letting go my dragging feet attitude.
-I am letting go of the feeling of not being good enough in every aspect that I have it.
-I am letting go of my depressed thoughts that involves "life sucks".

I am letting go of my past because "As long as you live in the past, you'll never find your future."

Everybody is right...

Everybody is telling me to open my heart, let go and live it to the fullest. But how do you do that when you are just too scared. When every other relationship ended in tears and pain. I am tired of crying in the corner, hurting in my sleep, and pretending a smile.

I am beyond afraid of opening my heart to you. To you or anybody else for that matter. I don't want to get hurt again, I don't want to cry and have to reinvent myself again because you broke me beyond repair. And I know if I don't open my heart to pain I am not letting happiness in either, but how do you open your heart, let go and live that to the fullest? How do I move past my insecurities?

And I know everybody is right: Open my heart, let go and live to the fullest! but HOW? HOW? HOW?

While I try to figure it out, let's give it a try through music. There is a song by the Guatemala songwriter Ricardo Arjona titled Te Quiero which is about loving you while it lasts...

Like my mom says "You'll cry when you need to, but if you can smile and love for now do it!"

I am feeling the blank...

Lately I have been thinking about recreating myself, because I no longer feel like before, maybe it is time to change the name of my blog to actual state. I am feeling stronger and happier. So I'll think about where I want to go from here and probably start walking that way, in the meanwhile here are the blanks filled!

linking up with Lauren from the little things we do

1.  My bedtime routine includes,  brushing my teeth (eventually), taking my make-up off, and depending my mood I'll watch some tv while falling asleep, or read an amazingly romantic or funny book and then dreaming away.

2.   I am  who I am, people don't change. I am a loving, creating, funny woman. Yes, modest too.  .

3.  I can't stand  dishonesty   because   more times that not, truth solves it all.

4. My idea of relaxation would be  a massage, then some resting with a daiquiri .

5. If I had an extra $50, I would    save them for my photo equipment or my so wanted trip to California!  .

6. The best thing about a bloggy friend is   they don't judge you because of how you look, they care about you because of who you are.

7.  A recipe I've been dying to try is a vodka pasta sauce! .

Week please change

Happy Monday!!!
Sweet Tuesday.
Weird Wednesday...
Sometimes I lo ve Wed nes dayssssss,
Relax on Thursday.
I definitely didn't fill in the Friday...
Non-sleep Saturday,
And I cried Sunday.




That has been my week, but tomorrow a new one begins...

How do you deal?

How do you deal with loss? sorrow? pain?
How do you deal with yourself?

How do you explain others what you feel? What hurts? When everything hurts, thinking, feeling, everything.
How do you explain that it is not their fault? But it still hurts.

How can you feel the loss of a life you had when you are in a new life filled with lo ve ?

Why does it hurt? Why do you feel a hole when there is so much to fill it?
Why does it have to hurt? Why can't you just accept?

Why does it feel like I don't belong here? Why does it feel I don't belong in this time?

Why is there only pain where there was only happiness?

How do you deal? How do I deal?

Far away

I have been out of this part of my world for a little bit. Why? I could say because I am busy but knowing me, I could argue that is an excuse.

So really I have been out because I might be afraid of how I feel and what I feel. I am super stressed out and hurting, physically hurting. All due to this job hunting and new life coping situation... At least that is what I think.

I am back because I need to talk to someone about how I feel, and I don't really want to drop this on anybody. So post it here on my free space, free for words, and free of judgment.

The thing is I can't complain, not about my life and not about my surroundings, but I am past way stressed and this needs to change because this is not healthy at all and I am not getting any younger.

Let's breath together... One... Two... and Three...

I did not miss high school

I don't miss high school. I was happy when I was there but I was happier when it ended and I moved on to University.

I was done with high school then as I am now.

I still keep 2 good friends and some good acquaintances; because of that I have to go to parties and reunions that I would rather avoid, because I don't want to go back in time to that time, or bring that time now.

Unlike most of them I searched for my world outside those 4 walls, and those were not the happiest of my life. I was happy and I accomplished everything I wanted, but that was it and I rather be here now.

Because of who I am and how I am, I was kind of an outsider, part but not really part of them. And I don't belong there now either.

It is interesting falling in a place that you rather not be in, or better if it was different.

I respect the people whose friends are from high school, but I am not one of them. I have 2 friends from that stage of my life, and going with them places means being with their high school circle of friends, people that were not my friends and not my acquaintances, so it feels like being in high school and I don't like that feeling.

I haven't missed high school for a second in my life.

Silence, only silence

Everything I am reminds me of you. My laugh, my jokes, my ice-cream-bars passion, my sarcasm, my complaining, my past, my future, my everything and everything...

You are in my mind, in my heart, in my thoughts, in my dreams. You are all the way around and all the way inside.

How do I forget? When will I forget? About us, about you and about everything else.

It hurts, so much and so deep. I wouldn't have imagined this much pain.

My heart aches for you, my whole body trembles.

There is only silence around me, and it is coming from you.


I forgot I don't belong to you and that you never belonged to me...

I forgot, and now there is silence, only silence

I...

I am too loud for my own good...

Let's talk about me, let's color my world...

Sometimes I think I have found my voice… other I think I am still in the search…
I write to discover it, to discover me. Every step I take, takes me closer to it, to me.

I have always been red; no doubt, no questions asked. It has been my favorite color since I can remember. I would buy everything in that color, pens, clothes, bags, everything.
Now what does red means? It is passion, fire, intensity… There are no substitutions.
And I was red in all the sense of the word.
Almost a year ago something started to change, I wasn’t sure what or how, and I am not sure when did it start and when will it end, but I am changing I can feel it in the air, in the water, in the fire and mostly in me…
Suddenly I was more into purple than red, I would sometimes think purple was my favorite color. For a long time I tried to ignore it, I kept saying red was it and I was red.
When change appears it is inevitable. There is no stopping or turning back. But I didn’t understand it at all; and I didn’t like it a bit. Why was I liking purple? Why was I becoming purple? It didn’t make sense.
Suddenly I wasn’t going out that much, I was kind of laying low; all of this was making me sad and depressed, I didn’t understand at all. I was frustrated to be purple, because red is a great color, and I loved everything about being red.
After a couple of months really sad because I could see I was changing, but depressed because I wasn’t red and I was feeling purple, bug I was seeing blue. And while wondering people told me I was never going to stop being red, but I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t understand any of it. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t wanted to go out, not partying, not dancing, not nothing; even people around me didn’t understand, they thought I was getting sick or something. I didn’t want to stop being red; I was holding on to it, don’t wanting to let go.
But suddenly one day it hit me, like lighting, what I wasn’t seeing was that purple = red + blue, I was adding blue to my palette. And it made sense blue is cool, calm, and pacific; I was growing, maturing.
It was the increase in blue what made me blue, I didn’t know how to deal with it, I had never had blue in me, but I am becoming purple, a combination of red and blue. I have my red days and my blue days; I party and sometimes I stay home; I go out and sometimes I cook in; I see people and I enjoy my solitude. Now it doesn’t make me sad not wanting to go out, I enjoy my alone time, I enjoy my home. I don’t have to be out all night every night. I am growing and maturing, I am changing, but now through color I understand what is happening with me. Now I am purple, but I will always have a little red in me. I can still pull an all nighter, but I can enjoy a staying in.
Sometimes my favorite color is still red, sometimes I feel blue, but now I am purple and purple is me.

"I am not longer the same: my personality hasn't change, but certainly my being-in-the-world has." Sartre, (in a letter to Simone on Sept 28, 1939)