I deserve

I deserve more. I know everyone thinks like that, but in my case I believe it to be true, so so true.

Let me tell you something, I deserve someone who would do anything for me, because I am the kind of person that would do anything for you. I deserve someone who wouldn't care loosing sleeping time to talk to me, because I would loose all my sleep for you. I deserve someone who would rearrange their day just to be able to see me, because I would move everything on my schedule just to say hi to you. I deserve someone who would talk to me for hours because just by hearing me his day would instantly be better, because hearing him would definitely make day shine. I deserve someone who would text me before even opening his eyes in the morning because I am the first thought on his head, because he'll be the thought on my mind when I'll go to bed. I deserve someone who would make time for me, because I would make time for you. I deserve someone who would know my mood just by reading the first word, because we would know each other all too well. I deserve someone who will love me not in spite but because of who I am, even when I don't know even know it.

Game Over!!!

I lost the game. I realize that now. All the cards were played and I lost. I am not sure if you won or we just both lost. Maybe it was a no-win situation, or maybe... maybe. But it is done, it was done long ago and it is still done now.

So why am I writing about it again? Why do I keep thinking of and about you? Why do I keep remembering?

I realized it today. I fell for you. I fell in lo ve with you.

And falling out of lo ve from you; well that is the difficult part. I knew I liked you a lot, but I just recognized it, I fell in lo ve with you.

How can falling in lo ve translate to losing? to game over?

It was worth it, this is not about regretting falling for you. But it is about how I feel broken now, like a part of me is missing and I wonder if I'll ever lo ve again, will I ever be loved again? That is for me a game over, a lost game.

I mi ss yo U in my life. I mi ss walking the streets with you, laughing about Vodka, Giggles and Shy boy, about random coffee names and about our camping adventures. It aches every time I tell a story about us, because I have to disguise my feelings and our relationship. You became a friend and in stead of being funny it hurts. Daydreaming, night-dreaming and movie-dreaming is pain, pure pain.

It is not like it used to be, that everything I am reminds me of you. No, it hurts different. Because I ache for what it was, what it isn't and what it will never become.

Your friend, who became my friend said to me when talking about our broken path:

• "its okay though
  i think its honestly his lose
   you will always find better." 

  I know or I hope there is truth in his words and it helped eased the pain, but still there was no winner and the game is over...

Will we forget?

Our bodies have memories.

Your hands remember the touch of my body, my hands remember your face. Yours lips can trace mine in that everlasting kiss.

I don't want to let go. I rather live in this moment where you are here, holding me, kissing me, making me feel loved. The moment I have been dreaming off since the last day I saw you, what seems like a hundred weeks ago.

I know it can't last forever and I know I won't see you again, but for now I want to hold on to this moment and not let go. Not ever and not now.

Our bodies have memories. So come back.

Kiss me like you do, hold me like you never want to let me go. Hold me with your strong hands. Trace me with your lips.

I want to talk to you and I want to kiss you. I want to walk the street by your side, holding you like you are mine. Like once we did, because we belonged to each other and everybody had to see.

A letter to my pain...

This is not a goodbye letter.

This is not the end of our time together. Because it ended time ago.

This is nothing more than me closing the door.

For so long I have been thinking about our time and everything, and now is time for me to let go, of you, of me, of us.

Because I never got the chance to say this face to face, now I've been cornered to write it down and publish it here, until a hysterical or drunk moment drives me to send it to you.

In the meantime I'll get it off my chest.

September 2011

You kept saying how you didn't want to push me away and how much you liked me. But after all you pushed me away, so far away that there was no way back.

I understand it is out of pain and panic that you didn't let me in, but on the longer run if you don't let anybody near then you'll suffer more.

I know you are distrustful and you've been hurt, but not everybody is going to hurt you, not purposely at least.

And as I've told you before pain is part of life, to care for someone is to let the good with the bad. And yeah caring for someone and loving someone will bring times of happiness but there will be some others than won't be; but it is all worth it, the good times are worth the not so good ones.

Probably the time wasn't right for us, although we could have made it work if we wanted to. To let people in you have to make space for them, and that doesn't mean leaving everything for them, but arrange time to have with each other. Even if it means nothing more than doing work together. But make space for her in your life.

You are an amazing guy, my shy boy, believe it and let someone near don't drive people away.

I care for you and I hope you find what you want in life and you conquer it.




UPDATE:
I sent it, and not under alcohol or hysteria but after a long thought process and various talks with friends, so I rewrite it and this is it:

September 2011

Pain is inevitable it is part of life.

You taught me things about life and about me, and that makes it worth it. Knowing you and having you be part of my life made that pain worth it. And I would not have changed it or want it any different, because I learned from you and from us.

We talked constantly that people come into your life for a reason and they don’t always stay forever. So our time run out, but I don’t regret , I gave it all and I learned from it, yes I got hurt but as I’ve said it is part of life. To care for someone is to let the good with the bad. And yeah caring for someone and loving someone will bring times of happiness but there will be some others than won't be; but it is all worth it, the good times are worth the not so good ones.

But I hope that you learned from it too, and if there were something I would want you to keep is that you shouldn’t push people away from you. I am not saying let everybody in and let them hurt you, it is not about that, but you shouldn’t let everybody out. You shouldn’t distrust everyone.

I understand it is out of pain and panic that you didn't let me in, but not everybody is going to hurt you, not purposely at least. And you have to make space in your life for them.

You kept saying how you didn't want to push me away and how much you liked me. But in the end that is what you did.

You are an amazing guy, my shy boy, believe it and let someone near don't drive everybody away.

I care for you and I hope you find what you want in life and you conquer it.

Silence, only silence

Everything I am reminds me of you. My laugh, my jokes, my ice-cream-bars passion, my sarcasm, my complaining, my past, my future, my everything and everything...

You are in my mind, in my heart, in my thoughts, in my dreams. You are all the way around and all the way inside.

How do I forget? When will I forget? About us, about you and about everything else.

It hurts, so much and so deep. I wouldn't have imagined this much pain.

My heart aches for you, my whole body trembles.

There is only silence around me, and it is coming from you.


I forgot I don't belong to you and that you never belonged to me...

I forgot, and now there is silence, only silence

Relations

This is an older post, but in a sense I am still thinking about the basic questions, the first paragraph still applies.

March 15, 2011,
Do we date to find the perfect relationship or the a relationship evolves into the perfect everlasting relationship?
I mean you start dating someone, someone you like, whose company you enjoy, where there is chemistry, and all you are thinking is this is the man of my life or this is the man for me right now? are we always into looking for the man of our dreams or are we enjoying the man of our time? Mr right or Mr right now?


I don't know if I am explaining myself or just rambling, but this guy I am seeing now, I am having such a fun time, we enjoy each others company, we like talking to each other, we hang out, and so on, and today he asked me what was I looking to get from this, and all I could answer was to see where this goes, there is no finish line, I am not expecting anything but rather enjoying the ride. So it got me thinking...

June 29, 2011
So what has changed? I am now dating a guy that is not asking me this, a different guy that makes me happy and makes me glow, that is not asking me to tell him what I expect or where I am going, rather letting this flow, and letting me know that this may be or it may not be, but now it is. It is and we are happy. Right now we are for each other. :)