What do we do?

Sometimes I don't know if I am really living or just waiting to die.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy and I have no intentions of dieing but it just feels as if my life is just that, to wait until my purpose is on my face or done.
The anxiety is terrible, because I don't really see my purpose, will I ever find it out? Does anyone ever do?
So we just keep living?

Overcoming the fear of writing out loud...

I am afraid, I think I have always been afraid, afraid of ending alone...
This is probably the first time I dare say it out loud, or in this case write it out.
I am afraid of not finding someone to love that loves me back, a partner in crime, a partner for love; and understanding, caring, partner.
I want to be a couple, I want to have a plus one, I want to love and be loved.
I though that if I didn't think about it, if I didn't act like I care, if I didn't focus on it, then it wouldn't matter if I hadn't find it. But it matters, because it doesn't matter if I act like I don't care o pretend I don't think about, I still want it for me.
And that is why it is scary, the thought of wanting something that is out of your hands and it may get here late, I am afraid to say it out loud, but I do, I want somebody to love...
But there it is, I am afraid of ending alone, I don't want to end alone, I want to love somebody that loves me back, I want to have a partner, to be a couple, to have somebody that has eyes only for me, someone for me...

I don´t want to live like this... I want to live like that...

I don´t want to live like that, waiting for Friday and avoiding the Mondays...
I don´t want to have a difficult time waking up and counting the minutes till I have to go...
I don´t want to drag my feet up the stairs and have to deal with the tension pain...
I don´t want to be scared when they call my name...
I don´t want to live like this, avoiding the bridge I am crossing...
I don´t want to be scared and comfortable...
I don´t want to procrastinate more than anything...
I don´t want to dread going to work...
I don´t want to live like this, suffering throughout the path...

I want to live like that, enjoying the whole week...
I want to be singing, even when it is a sad melody...
I want to wake up so early I am still asleep but have the strength to go where I have to...
I want to laugh at nothing and smile at my own reflection...
I want to make people happy by the sole fact that I am there...
I want to live like this, knowing that I will reach my purpose...

I am going to tell you...

I am going to tell you the truth... but in my own way and at my own pace...

I am going to tell you that I kind of like you, not in the "can´t sleep, can´t eat, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of love", more in the you are cute, kind of funny, ultra smart, this could work out kind of way...

I am going to tell you that it grew out of I have no idea how we met or why we are fb friends.

I am going to tell you that I am afraid of falling for someone, of letting them know how I feel, of showing my true self, of being serious about it.

I am going to tell you I almost never let go, always think thrice what I am going to say and I am afraid of just blurt it all out.

I am going to tell you that I think a hundred times a day about the small talks and shots we´ve shared.

I am going to tell you that all of my friends think there is something between us and that your cousin thinks we should be introduced.

I am going to tell you I stare at the photos we took together at my bday and that I think about posting some general on fb but I am afraid it will be an "I like you" kind of statement

I am going to tell you how I think about screaming at the seven winds that I think you are amazing and I kind of end up showing our photo to the people around me.

I am going to tell you that I am trying to figure out how to approach you and how to let you know that I like you.

I am going to tell you that I wish every day that you feel the same about me and you decide to do something before I chicken out.


I am going to tell you the truth, in my own way and at my own pace... which will probably be never... but I am going to tell you...

Time to let go...

It is that moment in my life when I have to choose between letting go or staying behind, and for that matter there really isn't a plausible option of staying behind, it is more like keeping this depressed-hostile-attitude while the world keeps going. So of course I am choosing 'letting go' because I am tired of suffering, of disappointments and all that involves dragging your past.

I am making a list of everything that I am letting go.

So here we go:
-I am letting go of the heart-breaking experience of moving out of California and leaving that kind of life and amazing friends behind.
-I am letting go of those horrible friends that kept my life miserable in Mexico.
-I am letting go of the pain my dad went through when he lost his father and letting go of the pain I went through losing a grandfather.
-I am letting go of that job at the Film Festival that didn't quite worked for me.
-I am letting go of the guy that I kind of liked that stood me up.
-I am letting go of that illusion with the Colombian guy.
-I am letting go of all the fears of failing and succeeding.
-I am letting go my dragging feet attitude.
-I am letting go of the feeling of not being good enough in every aspect that I have it.
-I am letting go of my depressed thoughts that involves "life sucks".

I am letting go of my past because "As long as you live in the past, you'll never find your future."

Everybody is right...

Everybody is telling me to open my heart, let go and live it to the fullest. But how do you do that when you are just too scared. When every other relationship ended in tears and pain. I am tired of crying in the corner, hurting in my sleep, and pretending a smile.

I am beyond afraid of opening my heart to you. To you or anybody else for that matter. I don't want to get hurt again, I don't want to cry and have to reinvent myself again because you broke me beyond repair. And I know if I don't open my heart to pain I am not letting happiness in either, but how do you open your heart, let go and live that to the fullest? How do I move past my insecurities?

And I know everybody is right: Open my heart, let go and live to the fullest! but HOW? HOW? HOW?

While I try to figure it out, let's give it a try through music. There is a song by the Guatemala songwriter Ricardo Arjona titled Te Quiero which is about loving you while it lasts...

Like my mom says "You'll cry when you need to, but if you can smile and love for now do it!"

Who is the complicated?

Is it life the complicated or the human beings? What is life without human beings? What are human beings without life?

When the feeling gets too much we use the phrase "Life is too complicated!" and is it? or are we the complicated? How does it really works? Who is to blame?

Is it a personal choice to have a complicated situation? Is it others? Is it our neighbor? Or just the way life is? And if so how do we move past it?

The world goes round and round and sometimes life feels soooooo complicated when others it feels like a walk on the park. Ups and downs like a roller-coaster...

So is life complicated or a walk on the park? And if so how do we deal with complication?

I know, I know, it is the way life is...

I am feeling the blank...

Lately I have been thinking about recreating myself, because I no longer feel like before, maybe it is time to change the name of my blog to actual state. I am feeling stronger and happier. So I'll think about where I want to go from here and probably start walking that way, in the meanwhile here are the blanks filled!

linking up with Lauren from the little things we do

1.  My bedtime routine includes,  brushing my teeth (eventually), taking my make-up off, and depending my mood I'll watch some tv while falling asleep, or read an amazingly romantic or funny book and then dreaming away.

2.   I am  who I am, people don't change. I am a loving, creating, funny woman. Yes, modest too.  .

3.  I can't stand  dishonesty   because   more times that not, truth solves it all.

4. My idea of relaxation would be  a massage, then some resting with a daiquiri .

5. If I had an extra $50, I would    save them for my photo equipment or my so wanted trip to California!  .

6. The best thing about a bloggy friend is   they don't judge you because of how you look, they care about you because of who you are.

7.  A recipe I've been dying to try is a vodka pasta sauce! .

I did not miss high school

I don't miss high school. I was happy when I was there but I was happier when it ended and I moved on to University.

I was done with high school then as I am now.

I still keep 2 good friends and some good acquaintances; because of that I have to go to parties and reunions that I would rather avoid, because I don't want to go back in time to that time, or bring that time now.

Unlike most of them I searched for my world outside those 4 walls, and those were not the happiest of my life. I was happy and I accomplished everything I wanted, but that was it and I rather be here now.

Because of who I am and how I am, I was kind of an outsider, part but not really part of them. And I don't belong there now either.

It is interesting falling in a place that you rather not be in, or better if it was different.

I respect the people whose friends are from high school, but I am not one of them. I have 2 friends from that stage of my life, and going with them places means being with their high school circle of friends, people that were not my friends and not my acquaintances, so it feels like being in high school and I don't like that feeling.

I haven't missed high school for a second in my life.

Will we forget?

Our bodies have memories.

Your hands remember the touch of my body, my hands remember your face. Yours lips can trace mine in that everlasting kiss.

I don't want to let go. I rather live in this moment where you are here, holding me, kissing me, making me feel loved. The moment I have been dreaming off since the last day I saw you, what seems like a hundred weeks ago.

I know it can't last forever and I know I won't see you again, but for now I want to hold on to this moment and not let go. Not ever and not now.

Our bodies have memories. So come back.

Kiss me like you do, hold me like you never want to let me go. Hold me with your strong hands. Trace me with your lips.

I want to talk to you and I want to kiss you. I want to walk the street by your side, holding you like you are mine. Like once we did, because we belonged to each other and everybody had to see.

Silence, only silence

Everything I am reminds me of you. My laugh, my jokes, my ice-cream-bars passion, my sarcasm, my complaining, my past, my future, my everything and everything...

You are in my mind, in my heart, in my thoughts, in my dreams. You are all the way around and all the way inside.

How do I forget? When will I forget? About us, about you and about everything else.

It hurts, so much and so deep. I wouldn't have imagined this much pain.

My heart aches for you, my whole body trembles.

There is only silence around me, and it is coming from you.


I forgot I don't belong to you and that you never belonged to me...

I forgot, and now there is silence, only silence

Read around

"...
But reading isn’t what she really wants. Not deep down. What she really wants is for someone – anyone at all – to tap her on the shoulder and invite her into their world. To ask her questions and tell her stories. To be interested. To laugh with her. To want her to be a part of their life.

But it isn’t even this connection with someone new that she wants most. At least not at the deepest level. At the deepest level, in the core of her soul, even fleeting connections with others seem to interfere with what she desires most. Which is to know that she’s truly loved. That she’s not alone in this world. And that whatever she was put here to do, in time, will be done and shared with others who care.
..."

This is nor the beginning or the end of this story Where We Must Go When We Feel Lost and Alone.
But it is a story worth reading. I identify a little with it, and it makes me smile and feel sad at the same time, because I understand, I feel it, but I can sometimes overcome it.

There is also one of the comments that hits the point so accurately, and the question remains: how unsustainable are our lives?

That was not a chick flick...

It is not that I love to watch chick flicks (I do love movies, any kind, so I love chick flicks). But when I go into a movie theater to watch a chick flick, I expect exactly that... a chick flick. Not a sad movie that makes me want to cry through it all, and then at the end they try and fix it with a happy ever after.
I do not like it at all.
I do not want to go into a theater wanting to see a sweet and awwww kind of comedy, and having tears in my eyes, praying to a supreme deity that no one ever has to go live anything like they do in the movie.
When I go into a chick flick, I want to see a romantic and sweet movie with a spoon of laughter, that of course has a happy ending.
So no, I did not like "Life as we know it" and no it is not a chick flick.