I am afraid, I think I have always been afraid, afraid of ending alone...
This is probably the first time I dare say it out loud, or in this case write it out.
I am afraid of not finding someone to love that loves me back, a partner in crime, a partner for love; and understanding, caring, partner.
I want to be a couple, I want to have a plus one, I want to love and be loved.
I though that if I didn't think about it, if I didn't act like I care, if I didn't focus on it, then it wouldn't matter if I hadn't find it. But it matters, because it doesn't matter if I act like I don't care o pretend I don't think about, I still want it for me.
And that is why it is scary, the thought of wanting something that is out of your hands and it may get here late, I am afraid to say it out loud, but I do, I want somebody to love...
But there it is, I am afraid of ending alone, I don't want to end alone, I want to love somebody that loves me back, I want to have a partner, to be a couple, to have somebody that has eyes only for me, someone for me...
Showing posts with label blue. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blue. Show all posts
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Let's talk about me, let's color my world...
Sometimes I think I have found my voice… other I think I am still in the search…
I write to discover it, to discover me. Every step I take, takes me closer to it, to me.
I have always been red; no doubt, no questions asked. It has been my favorite color since I can remember. I would buy everything in that color, pens, clothes, bags, everything.
Now what does red means? It is passion, fire, intensity… There are no substitutions.
And I was red in all the sense of the word.
Almost a year ago something started to change, I wasn’t sure what or how, and I am not sure when did it start and when will it end, but I am changing I can feel it in the air, in the water, in the fire and mostly in me…
Suddenly I was more into purple than red, I would sometimes think purple was my favorite color. For a long time I tried to ignore it, I kept saying red was it and I was red.
When change appears it is inevitable. There is no stopping or turning back. But I didn’t understand it at all; and I didn’t like it a bit. Why was I liking purple? Why was I becoming purple? It didn’t make sense.
Suddenly I wasn’t going out that much, I was kind of laying low; all of this was making me sad and depressed, I didn’t understand at all. I was frustrated to be purple, because red is a great color, and I loved everything about being red.
After a couple of months really sad because I could see I was changing, but depressed because I wasn’t red and I was feeling purple, bug I was seeing blue. And while wondering people told me I was never going to stop being red, but I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t understand any of it. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t wanted to go out, not partying, not dancing, not nothing; even people around me didn’t understand, they thought I was getting sick or something. I didn’t want to stop being red; I was holding on to it, don’t wanting to let go.
But suddenly one day it hit me, like lighting, what I wasn’t seeing was that purple = red + blue, I was adding blue to my palette. And it made sense blue is cool, calm, and pacific; I was growing, maturing.
It was the increase in blue what made me blue, I didn’t know how to deal with it, I had never had blue in me, but I am becoming purple, a combination of red and blue. I have my red days and my blue days; I party and sometimes I stay home; I go out and sometimes I cook in; I see people and I enjoy my solitude. Now it doesn’t make me sad not wanting to go out, I enjoy my alone time, I enjoy my home. I don’t have to be out all night every night. I am growing and maturing, I am changing, but now through color I understand what is happening with me. Now I am purple, but I will always have a little red in me. I can still pull an all nighter, but I can enjoy a staying in.
Sometimes my favorite color is still red, sometimes I feel blue, but now I am purple and purple is me.
"I am not longer the same: my personality hasn't change, but certainly my being-in-the-world has." Sartre, (in a letter to Simone on Sept 28, 1939)
I write to discover it, to discover me. Every step I take, takes me closer to it, to me.
I have always been red; no doubt, no questions asked. It has been my favorite color since I can remember. I would buy everything in that color, pens, clothes, bags, everything.
Now what does red means? It is passion, fire, intensity… There are no substitutions.
And I was red in all the sense of the word.
Almost a year ago something started to change, I wasn’t sure what or how, and I am not sure when did it start and when will it end, but I am changing I can feel it in the air, in the water, in the fire and mostly in me…
Suddenly I was more into purple than red, I would sometimes think purple was my favorite color. For a long time I tried to ignore it, I kept saying red was it and I was red.
When change appears it is inevitable. There is no stopping or turning back. But I didn’t understand it at all; and I didn’t like it a bit. Why was I liking purple? Why was I becoming purple? It didn’t make sense.
Suddenly I wasn’t going out that much, I was kind of laying low; all of this was making me sad and depressed, I didn’t understand at all. I was frustrated to be purple, because red is a great color, and I loved everything about being red.
After a couple of months really sad because I could see I was changing, but depressed because I wasn’t red and I was feeling purple, bug I was seeing blue. And while wondering people told me I was never going to stop being red, but I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t understand any of it. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t wanted to go out, not partying, not dancing, not nothing; even people around me didn’t understand, they thought I was getting sick or something. I didn’t want to stop being red; I was holding on to it, don’t wanting to let go.
But suddenly one day it hit me, like lighting, what I wasn’t seeing was that purple = red + blue, I was adding blue to my palette. And it made sense blue is cool, calm, and pacific; I was growing, maturing.
It was the increase in blue what made me blue, I didn’t know how to deal with it, I had never had blue in me, but I am becoming purple, a combination of red and blue. I have my red days and my blue days; I party and sometimes I stay home; I go out and sometimes I cook in; I see people and I enjoy my solitude. Now it doesn’t make me sad not wanting to go out, I enjoy my alone time, I enjoy my home. I don’t have to be out all night every night. I am growing and maturing, I am changing, but now through color I understand what is happening with me. Now I am purple, but I will always have a little red in me. I can still pull an all nighter, but I can enjoy a staying in.
Sometimes my favorite color is still red, sometimes I feel blue, but now I am purple and purple is me.
"I am not longer the same: my personality hasn't change, but certainly my being-in-the-world has." Sartre, (in a letter to Simone on Sept 28, 1939)
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