What do we do?

Sometimes I don't know if I am really living or just waiting to die.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy and I have no intentions of dieing but it just feels as if my life is just that, to wait until my purpose is on my face or done.
The anxiety is terrible, because I don't really see my purpose, will I ever find it out? Does anyone ever do?
So we just keep living?

Overcoming the fear of writing out loud...

I am afraid, I think I have always been afraid, afraid of ending alone...
This is probably the first time I dare say it out loud, or in this case write it out.
I am afraid of not finding someone to love that loves me back, a partner in crime, a partner for love; and understanding, caring, partner.
I want to be a couple, I want to have a plus one, I want to love and be loved.
I though that if I didn't think about it, if I didn't act like I care, if I didn't focus on it, then it wouldn't matter if I hadn't find it. But it matters, because it doesn't matter if I act like I don't care o pretend I don't think about, I still want it for me.
And that is why it is scary, the thought of wanting something that is out of your hands and it may get here late, I am afraid to say it out loud, but I do, I want somebody to love...
But there it is, I am afraid of ending alone, I don't want to end alone, I want to love somebody that loves me back, I want to have a partner, to be a couple, to have somebody that has eyes only for me, someone for me...

Who is the complicated?

Is it life the complicated or the human beings? What is life without human beings? What are human beings without life?

When the feeling gets too much we use the phrase "Life is too complicated!" and is it? or are we the complicated? How does it really works? Who is to blame?

Is it a personal choice to have a complicated situation? Is it others? Is it our neighbor? Or just the way life is? And if so how do we move past it?

The world goes round and round and sometimes life feels soooooo complicated when others it feels like a walk on the park. Ups and downs like a roller-coaster...

So is life complicated or a walk on the park? And if so how do we deal with complication?

I know, I know, it is the way life is...

Silence, only silence

Everything I am reminds me of you. My laugh, my jokes, my ice-cream-bars passion, my sarcasm, my complaining, my past, my future, my everything and everything...

You are in my mind, in my heart, in my thoughts, in my dreams. You are all the way around and all the way inside.

How do I forget? When will I forget? About us, about you and about everything else.

It hurts, so much and so deep. I wouldn't have imagined this much pain.

My heart aches for you, my whole body trembles.

There is only silence around me, and it is coming from you.


I forgot I don't belong to you and that you never belonged to me...

I forgot, and now there is silence, only silence

Deepest fear

So one of my deepest fears just came to life. And all I could think of is that I was being paranoid and that it wasn't real. There was rational thinking but I felt paranoid.
The other day after boiling water something in the stove turn off, and so there was a leak of gas. At first I didn't know that it was leaking, but at night that I came back there was a slight smell of gas, and I thought maybe it was just my imagination after my mom commented on the phone something about gas. And I cooked some stuff on the half that could still light up, so I thought it was me, just plain on paranoid. Then I was going to go to sleep, but kept coming back to smell the stove, and I swear I could smell the gas. So I opened all the windows in the small apartment because apparently gas leak is one of my deepest fear, and it is not something that comes out often, but since I moved here, it's been in my head. So I didn't get any sleep all night, and then I was upset all morning. And I didnt know if it was me and being paranoid or if it did smell like it. So after class a friend of mine came to my house to make sure I wasn't being paranoid, and she confirmed my suspicions: there was a gas leak. While freaking out, my landlord got home and save the day. He explain about the pilot and how to fix this problem.
So I learned a lot that day:
1. How to fix the pilot on my stove.
2. Trust my senses.
3. Seek help (ex. gas people, or info.... at the least call mom!)
4. TRUST MY SENSES
I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!
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So I survived and learned, cool uh???

So how come I had no idea one of my deepest fears was gas leak?
because it is deepest? haha. yes. no.
When you are afraid of spiders and you see spiders often, it is really easy to realize you are afraid of them. But thankfully gas doesn't leak often, so it is not easy to find out you are afraid of gas leaking....

So safe and sound, I write this, days later from the storm...

Our Deepest Fear

by Marianne Williamson

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”