Overcoming the fear of writing out loud...

I am afraid, I think I have always been afraid, afraid of ending alone...
This is probably the first time I dare say it out loud, or in this case write it out.
I am afraid of not finding someone to love that loves me back, a partner in crime, a partner for love; and understanding, caring, partner.
I want to be a couple, I want to have a plus one, I want to love and be loved.
I though that if I didn't think about it, if I didn't act like I care, if I didn't focus on it, then it wouldn't matter if I hadn't find it. But it matters, because it doesn't matter if I act like I don't care o pretend I don't think about, I still want it for me.
And that is why it is scary, the thought of wanting something that is out of your hands and it may get here late, I am afraid to say it out loud, but I do, I want somebody to love...
But there it is, I am afraid of ending alone, I don't want to end alone, I want to love somebody that loves me back, I want to have a partner, to be a couple, to have somebody that has eyes only for me, someone for me...

Everybody is right...

Everybody is telling me to open my heart, let go and live it to the fullest. But how do you do that when you are just too scared. When every other relationship ended in tears and pain. I am tired of crying in the corner, hurting in my sleep, and pretending a smile.

I am beyond afraid of opening my heart to you. To you or anybody else for that matter. I don't want to get hurt again, I don't want to cry and have to reinvent myself again because you broke me beyond repair. And I know if I don't open my heart to pain I am not letting happiness in either, but how do you open your heart, let go and live that to the fullest? How do I move past my insecurities?

And I know everybody is right: Open my heart, let go and live to the fullest! but HOW? HOW? HOW?

While I try to figure it out, let's give it a try through music. There is a song by the Guatemala songwriter Ricardo Arjona titled Te Quiero which is about loving you while it lasts...

Like my mom says "You'll cry when you need to, but if you can smile and love for now do it!"

Will we forget?

Our bodies have memories.

Your hands remember the touch of my body, my hands remember your face. Yours lips can trace mine in that everlasting kiss.

I don't want to let go. I rather live in this moment where you are here, holding me, kissing me, making me feel loved. The moment I have been dreaming off since the last day I saw you, what seems like a hundred weeks ago.

I know it can't last forever and I know I won't see you again, but for now I want to hold on to this moment and not let go. Not ever and not now.

Our bodies have memories. So come back.

Kiss me like you do, hold me like you never want to let me go. Hold me with your strong hands. Trace me with your lips.

I want to talk to you and I want to kiss you. I want to walk the street by your side, holding you like you are mine. Like once we did, because we belonged to each other and everybody had to see.

Let's talk about me, let's color my world...

Sometimes I think I have found my voice… other I think I am still in the search…
I write to discover it, to discover me. Every step I take, takes me closer to it, to me.

I have always been red; no doubt, no questions asked. It has been my favorite color since I can remember. I would buy everything in that color, pens, clothes, bags, everything.
Now what does red means? It is passion, fire, intensity… There are no substitutions.
And I was red in all the sense of the word.
Almost a year ago something started to change, I wasn’t sure what or how, and I am not sure when did it start and when will it end, but I am changing I can feel it in the air, in the water, in the fire and mostly in me…
Suddenly I was more into purple than red, I would sometimes think purple was my favorite color. For a long time I tried to ignore it, I kept saying red was it and I was red.
When change appears it is inevitable. There is no stopping or turning back. But I didn’t understand it at all; and I didn’t like it a bit. Why was I liking purple? Why was I becoming purple? It didn’t make sense.
Suddenly I wasn’t going out that much, I was kind of laying low; all of this was making me sad and depressed, I didn’t understand at all. I was frustrated to be purple, because red is a great color, and I loved everything about being red.
After a couple of months really sad because I could see I was changing, but depressed because I wasn’t red and I was feeling purple, bug I was seeing blue. And while wondering people told me I was never going to stop being red, but I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t understand any of it. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t wanted to go out, not partying, not dancing, not nothing; even people around me didn’t understand, they thought I was getting sick or something. I didn’t want to stop being red; I was holding on to it, don’t wanting to let go.
But suddenly one day it hit me, like lighting, what I wasn’t seeing was that purple = red + blue, I was adding blue to my palette. And it made sense blue is cool, calm, and pacific; I was growing, maturing.
It was the increase in blue what made me blue, I didn’t know how to deal with it, I had never had blue in me, but I am becoming purple, a combination of red and blue. I have my red days and my blue days; I party and sometimes I stay home; I go out and sometimes I cook in; I see people and I enjoy my solitude. Now it doesn’t make me sad not wanting to go out, I enjoy my alone time, I enjoy my home. I don’t have to be out all night every night. I am growing and maturing, I am changing, but now through color I understand what is happening with me. Now I am purple, but I will always have a little red in me. I can still pull an all nighter, but I can enjoy a staying in.
Sometimes my favorite color is still red, sometimes I feel blue, but now I am purple and purple is me.

"I am not longer the same: my personality hasn't change, but certainly my being-in-the-world has." Sartre, (in a letter to Simone on Sept 28, 1939)