Overcoming the fear of writing out loud...

I am afraid, I think I have always been afraid, afraid of ending alone...
This is probably the first time I dare say it out loud, or in this case write it out.
I am afraid of not finding someone to love that loves me back, a partner in crime, a partner for love; and understanding, caring, partner.
I want to be a couple, I want to have a plus one, I want to love and be loved.
I though that if I didn't think about it, if I didn't act like I care, if I didn't focus on it, then it wouldn't matter if I hadn't find it. But it matters, because it doesn't matter if I act like I don't care o pretend I don't think about, I still want it for me.
And that is why it is scary, the thought of wanting something that is out of your hands and it may get here late, I am afraid to say it out loud, but I do, I want somebody to love...
But there it is, I am afraid of ending alone, I don't want to end alone, I want to love somebody that loves me back, I want to have a partner, to be a couple, to have somebody that has eyes only for me, someone for me...

I am going to tell you...

I am going to tell you the truth... but in my own way and at my own pace...

I am going to tell you that I kind of like you, not in the "can´t sleep, can´t eat, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of love", more in the you are cute, kind of funny, ultra smart, this could work out kind of way...

I am going to tell you that it grew out of I have no idea how we met or why we are fb friends.

I am going to tell you that I am afraid of falling for someone, of letting them know how I feel, of showing my true self, of being serious about it.

I am going to tell you I almost never let go, always think thrice what I am going to say and I am afraid of just blurt it all out.

I am going to tell you that I think a hundred times a day about the small talks and shots we´ve shared.

I am going to tell you that all of my friends think there is something between us and that your cousin thinks we should be introduced.

I am going to tell you I stare at the photos we took together at my bday and that I think about posting some general on fb but I am afraid it will be an "I like you" kind of statement

I am going to tell you how I think about screaming at the seven winds that I think you are amazing and I kind of end up showing our photo to the people around me.

I am going to tell you that I am trying to figure out how to approach you and how to let you know that I like you.

I am going to tell you that I wish every day that you feel the same about me and you decide to do something before I chicken out.


I am going to tell you the truth, in my own way and at my own pace... which will probably be never... but I am going to tell you...

Time to let go...

It is that moment in my life when I have to choose between letting go or staying behind, and for that matter there really isn't a plausible option of staying behind, it is more like keeping this depressed-hostile-attitude while the world keeps going. So of course I am choosing 'letting go' because I am tired of suffering, of disappointments and all that involves dragging your past.

I am making a list of everything that I am letting go.

So here we go:
-I am letting go of the heart-breaking experience of moving out of California and leaving that kind of life and amazing friends behind.
-I am letting go of those horrible friends that kept my life miserable in Mexico.
-I am letting go of the pain my dad went through when he lost his father and letting go of the pain I went through losing a grandfather.
-I am letting go of that job at the Film Festival that didn't quite worked for me.
-I am letting go of the guy that I kind of liked that stood me up.
-I am letting go of that illusion with the Colombian guy.
-I am letting go of all the fears of failing and succeeding.
-I am letting go my dragging feet attitude.
-I am letting go of the feeling of not being good enough in every aspect that I have it.
-I am letting go of my depressed thoughts that involves "life sucks".

I am letting go of my past because "As long as you live in the past, you'll never find your future."

Far away

I have been out of this part of my world for a little bit. Why? I could say because I am busy but knowing me, I could argue that is an excuse.

So really I have been out because I might be afraid of how I feel and what I feel. I am super stressed out and hurting, physically hurting. All due to this job hunting and new life coping situation... At least that is what I think.

I am back because I need to talk to someone about how I feel, and I don't really want to drop this on anybody. So post it here on my free space, free for words, and free of judgment.

The thing is I can't complain, not about my life and not about my surroundings, but I am past way stressed and this needs to change because this is not healthy at all and I am not getting any younger.

Let's breath together... One... Two... and Three...

A letter to my pain...

This is not a goodbye letter.

This is not the end of our time together. Because it ended time ago.

This is nothing more than me closing the door.

For so long I have been thinking about our time and everything, and now is time for me to let go, of you, of me, of us.

Because I never got the chance to say this face to face, now I've been cornered to write it down and publish it here, until a hysterical or drunk moment drives me to send it to you.

In the meantime I'll get it off my chest.

September 2011

You kept saying how you didn't want to push me away and how much you liked me. But after all you pushed me away, so far away that there was no way back.

I understand it is out of pain and panic that you didn't let me in, but on the longer run if you don't let anybody near then you'll suffer more.

I know you are distrustful and you've been hurt, but not everybody is going to hurt you, not purposely at least.

And as I've told you before pain is part of life, to care for someone is to let the good with the bad. And yeah caring for someone and loving someone will bring times of happiness but there will be some others than won't be; but it is all worth it, the good times are worth the not so good ones.

Probably the time wasn't right for us, although we could have made it work if we wanted to. To let people in you have to make space for them, and that doesn't mean leaving everything for them, but arrange time to have with each other. Even if it means nothing more than doing work together. But make space for her in your life.

You are an amazing guy, my shy boy, believe it and let someone near don't drive people away.

I care for you and I hope you find what you want in life and you conquer it.




UPDATE:
I sent it, and not under alcohol or hysteria but after a long thought process and various talks with friends, so I rewrite it and this is it:

September 2011

Pain is inevitable it is part of life.

You taught me things about life and about me, and that makes it worth it. Knowing you and having you be part of my life made that pain worth it. And I would not have changed it or want it any different, because I learned from you and from us.

We talked constantly that people come into your life for a reason and they don’t always stay forever. So our time run out, but I don’t regret , I gave it all and I learned from it, yes I got hurt but as I’ve said it is part of life. To care for someone is to let the good with the bad. And yeah caring for someone and loving someone will bring times of happiness but there will be some others than won't be; but it is all worth it, the good times are worth the not so good ones.

But I hope that you learned from it too, and if there were something I would want you to keep is that you shouldn’t push people away from you. I am not saying let everybody in and let them hurt you, it is not about that, but you shouldn’t let everybody out. You shouldn’t distrust everyone.

I understand it is out of pain and panic that you didn't let me in, but not everybody is going to hurt you, not purposely at least. And you have to make space in your life for them.

You kept saying how you didn't want to push me away and how much you liked me. But in the end that is what you did.

You are an amazing guy, my shy boy, believe it and let someone near don't drive everybody away.

I care for you and I hope you find what you want in life and you conquer it.

Deepest fear

So one of my deepest fears just came to life. And all I could think of is that I was being paranoid and that it wasn't real. There was rational thinking but I felt paranoid.
The other day after boiling water something in the stove turn off, and so there was a leak of gas. At first I didn't know that it was leaking, but at night that I came back there was a slight smell of gas, and I thought maybe it was just my imagination after my mom commented on the phone something about gas. And I cooked some stuff on the half that could still light up, so I thought it was me, just plain on paranoid. Then I was going to go to sleep, but kept coming back to smell the stove, and I swear I could smell the gas. So I opened all the windows in the small apartment because apparently gas leak is one of my deepest fear, and it is not something that comes out often, but since I moved here, it's been in my head. So I didn't get any sleep all night, and then I was upset all morning. And I didnt know if it was me and being paranoid or if it did smell like it. So after class a friend of mine came to my house to make sure I wasn't being paranoid, and she confirmed my suspicions: there was a gas leak. While freaking out, my landlord got home and save the day. He explain about the pilot and how to fix this problem.
So I learned a lot that day:
1. How to fix the pilot on my stove.
2. Trust my senses.
3. Seek help (ex. gas people, or info.... at the least call mom!)
4. TRUST MY SENSES
I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!
javascript:void(0)
So I survived and learned, cool uh???

So how come I had no idea one of my deepest fears was gas leak?
because it is deepest? haha. yes. no.
When you are afraid of spiders and you see spiders often, it is really easy to realize you are afraid of them. But thankfully gas doesn't leak often, so it is not easy to find out you are afraid of gas leaking....

So safe and sound, I write this, days later from the storm...

Our Deepest Fear

by Marianne Williamson

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”