I am going to tell you...

I am going to tell you the truth... but in my own way and at my own pace...

I am going to tell you that I kind of like you, not in the "can´t sleep, can´t eat, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of love", more in the you are cute, kind of funny, ultra smart, this could work out kind of way...

I am going to tell you that it grew out of I have no idea how we met or why we are fb friends.

I am going to tell you that I am afraid of falling for someone, of letting them know how I feel, of showing my true self, of being serious about it.

I am going to tell you I almost never let go, always think thrice what I am going to say and I am afraid of just blurt it all out.

I am going to tell you that I think a hundred times a day about the small talks and shots we´ve shared.

I am going to tell you that all of my friends think there is something between us and that your cousin thinks we should be introduced.

I am going to tell you I stare at the photos we took together at my bday and that I think about posting some general on fb but I am afraid it will be an "I like you" kind of statement

I am going to tell you how I think about screaming at the seven winds that I think you are amazing and I kind of end up showing our photo to the people around me.

I am going to tell you that I am trying to figure out how to approach you and how to let you know that I like you.

I am going to tell you that I wish every day that you feel the same about me and you decide to do something before I chicken out.


I am going to tell you the truth, in my own way and at my own pace... which will probably be never... but I am going to tell you...

Will we forget?

Our bodies have memories.

Your hands remember the touch of my body, my hands remember your face. Yours lips can trace mine in that everlasting kiss.

I don't want to let go. I rather live in this moment where you are here, holding me, kissing me, making me feel loved. The moment I have been dreaming off since the last day I saw you, what seems like a hundred weeks ago.

I know it can't last forever and I know I won't see you again, but for now I want to hold on to this moment and not let go. Not ever and not now.

Our bodies have memories. So come back.

Kiss me like you do, hold me like you never want to let me go. Hold me with your strong hands. Trace me with your lips.

I want to talk to you and I want to kiss you. I want to walk the street by your side, holding you like you are mine. Like once we did, because we belonged to each other and everybody had to see.

A letter to my pain...

This is not a goodbye letter.

This is not the end of our time together. Because it ended time ago.

This is nothing more than me closing the door.

For so long I have been thinking about our time and everything, and now is time for me to let go, of you, of me, of us.

Because I never got the chance to say this face to face, now I've been cornered to write it down and publish it here, until a hysterical or drunk moment drives me to send it to you.

In the meantime I'll get it off my chest.

September 2011

You kept saying how you didn't want to push me away and how much you liked me. But after all you pushed me away, so far away that there was no way back.

I understand it is out of pain and panic that you didn't let me in, but on the longer run if you don't let anybody near then you'll suffer more.

I know you are distrustful and you've been hurt, but not everybody is going to hurt you, not purposely at least.

And as I've told you before pain is part of life, to care for someone is to let the good with the bad. And yeah caring for someone and loving someone will bring times of happiness but there will be some others than won't be; but it is all worth it, the good times are worth the not so good ones.

Probably the time wasn't right for us, although we could have made it work if we wanted to. To let people in you have to make space for them, and that doesn't mean leaving everything for them, but arrange time to have with each other. Even if it means nothing more than doing work together. But make space for her in your life.

You are an amazing guy, my shy boy, believe it and let someone near don't drive people away.

I care for you and I hope you find what you want in life and you conquer it.




UPDATE:
I sent it, and not under alcohol or hysteria but after a long thought process and various talks with friends, so I rewrite it and this is it:

September 2011

Pain is inevitable it is part of life.

You taught me things about life and about me, and that makes it worth it. Knowing you and having you be part of my life made that pain worth it. And I would not have changed it or want it any different, because I learned from you and from us.

We talked constantly that people come into your life for a reason and they don’t always stay forever. So our time run out, but I don’t regret , I gave it all and I learned from it, yes I got hurt but as I’ve said it is part of life. To care for someone is to let the good with the bad. And yeah caring for someone and loving someone will bring times of happiness but there will be some others than won't be; but it is all worth it, the good times are worth the not so good ones.

But I hope that you learned from it too, and if there were something I would want you to keep is that you shouldn’t push people away from you. I am not saying let everybody in and let them hurt you, it is not about that, but you shouldn’t let everybody out. You shouldn’t distrust everyone.

I understand it is out of pain and panic that you didn't let me in, but not everybody is going to hurt you, not purposely at least. And you have to make space in your life for them.

You kept saying how you didn't want to push me away and how much you liked me. But in the end that is what you did.

You are an amazing guy, my shy boy, believe it and let someone near don't drive everybody away.

I care for you and I hope you find what you want in life and you conquer it.

Silence, only silence

Everything I am reminds me of you. My laugh, my jokes, my ice-cream-bars passion, my sarcasm, my complaining, my past, my future, my everything and everything...

You are in my mind, in my heart, in my thoughts, in my dreams. You are all the way around and all the way inside.

How do I forget? When will I forget? About us, about you and about everything else.

It hurts, so much and so deep. I wouldn't have imagined this much pain.

My heart aches for you, my whole body trembles.

There is only silence around me, and it is coming from you.


I forgot I don't belong to you and that you never belonged to me...

I forgot, and now there is silence, only silence

Relations

This is an older post, but in a sense I am still thinking about the basic questions, the first paragraph still applies.

March 15, 2011,
Do we date to find the perfect relationship or the a relationship evolves into the perfect everlasting relationship?
I mean you start dating someone, someone you like, whose company you enjoy, where there is chemistry, and all you are thinking is this is the man of my life or this is the man for me right now? are we always into looking for the man of our dreams or are we enjoying the man of our time? Mr right or Mr right now?


I don't know if I am explaining myself or just rambling, but this guy I am seeing now, I am having such a fun time, we enjoy each others company, we like talking to each other, we hang out, and so on, and today he asked me what was I looking to get from this, and all I could answer was to see where this goes, there is no finish line, I am not expecting anything but rather enjoying the ride. So it got me thinking...

June 29, 2011
So what has changed? I am now dating a guy that is not asking me this, a different guy that makes me happy and makes me glow, that is not asking me to tell him what I expect or where I am going, rather letting this flow, and letting me know that this may be or it may not be, but now it is. It is and we are happy. Right now we are for each other. :)