What do we do?

Sometimes I don't know if I am really living or just waiting to die.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy and I have no intentions of dieing but it just feels as if my life is just that, to wait until my purpose is on my face or done.
The anxiety is terrible, because I don't really see my purpose, will I ever find it out? Does anyone ever do?
So we just keep living?

I deserve

I deserve more. I know everyone thinks like that, but in my case I believe it to be true, so so true.

Let me tell you something, I deserve someone who would do anything for me, because I am the kind of person that would do anything for you. I deserve someone who wouldn't care loosing sleeping time to talk to me, because I would loose all my sleep for you. I deserve someone who would rearrange their day just to be able to see me, because I would move everything on my schedule just to say hi to you. I deserve someone who would talk to me for hours because just by hearing me his day would instantly be better, because hearing him would definitely make day shine. I deserve someone who would text me before even opening his eyes in the morning because I am the first thought on his head, because he'll be the thought on my mind when I'll go to bed. I deserve someone who would make time for me, because I would make time for you. I deserve someone who would know my mood just by reading the first word, because we would know each other all too well. I deserve someone who will love me not in spite but because of who I am, even when I don't know even know it.

Weird, isn't it?

I´ve had weird days and weirdest weekends but this past Saturday was hands-down the weirdest in my lifetime.

So I had a very weird weekend that has let me thinking and analyzing my life, and now I am in a weird mood, not bad but different.

I´ve never been the one-night-stand-kind-of-girl more like romantic-caring-relationship-kind-of-girl and this weekend was weird.

Have I told you I had a weird weekend? hahaha I know you want to hear whats up, but guess what?!?!?!?!?!!?!? I started writing this post so long ago I can't recall the weird day, I have no idea what was I talking about... So here goes the reflection> It wasn't such a big deal, it was very weird to make me start writing but not weird enough to make it to my memory lane, so let's raise our glasses to random and weird moments that won't make it to our autobiography books!

Overcoming the fear of writing out loud...

I am afraid, I think I have always been afraid, afraid of ending alone...
This is probably the first time I dare say it out loud, or in this case write it out.
I am afraid of not finding someone to love that loves me back, a partner in crime, a partner for love; and understanding, caring, partner.
I want to be a couple, I want to have a plus one, I want to love and be loved.
I though that if I didn't think about it, if I didn't act like I care, if I didn't focus on it, then it wouldn't matter if I hadn't find it. But it matters, because it doesn't matter if I act like I don't care o pretend I don't think about, I still want it for me.
And that is why it is scary, the thought of wanting something that is out of your hands and it may get here late, I am afraid to say it out loud, but I do, I want somebody to love...
But there it is, I am afraid of ending alone, I don't want to end alone, I want to love somebody that loves me back, I want to have a partner, to be a couple, to have somebody that has eyes only for me, someone for me...

I don´t want to live like this... I want to live like that...

I don´t want to live like that, waiting for Friday and avoiding the Mondays...
I don´t want to have a difficult time waking up and counting the minutes till I have to go...
I don´t want to drag my feet up the stairs and have to deal with the tension pain...
I don´t want to be scared when they call my name...
I don´t want to live like this, avoiding the bridge I am crossing...
I don´t want to be scared and comfortable...
I don´t want to procrastinate more than anything...
I don´t want to dread going to work...
I don´t want to live like this, suffering throughout the path...

I want to live like that, enjoying the whole week...
I want to be singing, even when it is a sad melody...
I want to wake up so early I am still asleep but have the strength to go where I have to...
I want to laugh at nothing and smile at my own reflection...
I want to make people happy by the sole fact that I am there...
I want to live like this, knowing that I will reach my purpose...

Time to let go...

It is that moment in my life when I have to choose between letting go or staying behind, and for that matter there really isn't a plausible option of staying behind, it is more like keeping this depressed-hostile-attitude while the world keeps going. So of course I am choosing 'letting go' because I am tired of suffering, of disappointments and all that involves dragging your past.

I am making a list of everything that I am letting go.

So here we go:
-I am letting go of the heart-breaking experience of moving out of California and leaving that kind of life and amazing friends behind.
-I am letting go of those horrible friends that kept my life miserable in Mexico.
-I am letting go of the pain my dad went through when he lost his father and letting go of the pain I went through losing a grandfather.
-I am letting go of that job at the Film Festival that didn't quite worked for me.
-I am letting go of the guy that I kind of liked that stood me up.
-I am letting go of that illusion with the Colombian guy.
-I am letting go of all the fears of failing and succeeding.
-I am letting go my dragging feet attitude.
-I am letting go of the feeling of not being good enough in every aspect that I have it.
-I am letting go of my depressed thoughts that involves "life sucks".

I am letting go of my past because "As long as you live in the past, you'll never find your future."

Everybody is right...

Everybody is telling me to open my heart, let go and live it to the fullest. But how do you do that when you are just too scared. When every other relationship ended in tears and pain. I am tired of crying in the corner, hurting in my sleep, and pretending a smile.

I am beyond afraid of opening my heart to you. To you or anybody else for that matter. I don't want to get hurt again, I don't want to cry and have to reinvent myself again because you broke me beyond repair. And I know if I don't open my heart to pain I am not letting happiness in either, but how do you open your heart, let go and live that to the fullest? How do I move past my insecurities?

And I know everybody is right: Open my heart, let go and live to the fullest! but HOW? HOW? HOW?

While I try to figure it out, let's give it a try through music. There is a song by the Guatemala songwriter Ricardo Arjona titled Te Quiero which is about loving you while it lasts...

Like my mom says "You'll cry when you need to, but if you can smile and love for now do it!"

Who is the complicated?

Is it life the complicated or the human beings? What is life without human beings? What are human beings without life?

When the feeling gets too much we use the phrase "Life is too complicated!" and is it? or are we the complicated? How does it really works? Who is to blame?

Is it a personal choice to have a complicated situation? Is it others? Is it our neighbor? Or just the way life is? And if so how do we move past it?

The world goes round and round and sometimes life feels soooooo complicated when others it feels like a walk on the park. Ups and downs like a roller-coaster...

So is life complicated or a walk on the park? And if so how do we deal with complication?

I know, I know, it is the way life is...

I'm loving XXVI

It is an up and down, here and there, birthdays celebrations and even black clouds kind of week, but I am loving this week! It is my week!


I am linking up with Jamie from the blog This Kind of Love and here it goes, What I'm Loving Wednesday...

I'm loving my birthday! It is today! XXVI :)


I'm loving my dads bday! Yesterday!


I'm loving my family who indulge me in my multiple bday celebrations and all craziness when it comes to Feb 22!


I'm loving my friends who lo ve me even as crazy as I am!


I'm loving the multiple bday celebrations! It is only once that I get to XXVI


I'm loving life with its ups and downs!


I'm loving the beautiful sunshine today!


I'm loving!

Week please change

Happy Monday!!!
Sweet Tuesday.
Weird Wednesday...
Sometimes I lo ve Wed nes dayssssss,
Relax on Thursday.
I definitely didn't fill in the Friday...
Non-sleep Saturday,
And I cried Sunday.




That has been my week, but tomorrow a new one begins...

How do you deal?

How do you deal with loss? sorrow? pain?
How do you deal with yourself?

How do you explain others what you feel? What hurts? When everything hurts, thinking, feeling, everything.
How do you explain that it is not their fault? But it still hurts.

How can you feel the loss of a life you had when you are in a new life filled with lo ve ?

Why does it hurt? Why do you feel a hole when there is so much to fill it?
Why does it have to hurt? Why can't you just accept?

Why does it feel like I don't belong here? Why does it feel I don't belong in this time?

Why is there only pain where there was only happiness?

How do you deal? How do I deal?

Far away

I have been out of this part of my world for a little bit. Why? I could say because I am busy but knowing me, I could argue that is an excuse.

So really I have been out because I might be afraid of how I feel and what I feel. I am super stressed out and hurting, physically hurting. All due to this job hunting and new life coping situation... At least that is what I think.

I am back because I need to talk to someone about how I feel, and I don't really want to drop this on anybody. So post it here on my free space, free for words, and free of judgment.

The thing is I can't complain, not about my life and not about my surroundings, but I am past way stressed and this needs to change because this is not healthy at all and I am not getting any younger.

Let's breath together... One... Two... and Three...

Game Over!!!

I lost the game. I realize that now. All the cards were played and I lost. I am not sure if you won or we just both lost. Maybe it was a no-win situation, or maybe... maybe. But it is done, it was done long ago and it is still done now.

So why am I writing about it again? Why do I keep thinking of and about you? Why do I keep remembering?

I realized it today. I fell for you. I fell in lo ve with you.

And falling out of lo ve from you; well that is the difficult part. I knew I liked you a lot, but I just recognized it, I fell in lo ve with you.

How can falling in lo ve translate to losing? to game over?

It was worth it, this is not about regretting falling for you. But it is about how I feel broken now, like a part of me is missing and I wonder if I'll ever lo ve again, will I ever be loved again? That is for me a game over, a lost game.

I mi ss yo U in my life. I mi ss walking the streets with you, laughing about Vodka, Giggles and Shy boy, about random coffee names and about our camping adventures. It aches every time I tell a story about us, because I have to disguise my feelings and our relationship. You became a friend and in stead of being funny it hurts. Daydreaming, night-dreaming and movie-dreaming is pain, pure pain.

It is not like it used to be, that everything I am reminds me of you. No, it hurts different. Because I ache for what it was, what it isn't and what it will never become.

Your friend, who became my friend said to me when talking about our broken path:

• "its okay though
  i think its honestly his lose
   you will always find better." 

  I know or I hope there is truth in his words and it helped eased the pain, but still there was no winner and the game is over...

A letter to my pain...

This is not a goodbye letter.

This is not the end of our time together. Because it ended time ago.

This is nothing more than me closing the door.

For so long I have been thinking about our time and everything, and now is time for me to let go, of you, of me, of us.

Because I never got the chance to say this face to face, now I've been cornered to write it down and publish it here, until a hysterical or drunk moment drives me to send it to you.

In the meantime I'll get it off my chest.

September 2011

You kept saying how you didn't want to push me away and how much you liked me. But after all you pushed me away, so far away that there was no way back.

I understand it is out of pain and panic that you didn't let me in, but on the longer run if you don't let anybody near then you'll suffer more.

I know you are distrustful and you've been hurt, but not everybody is going to hurt you, not purposely at least.

And as I've told you before pain is part of life, to care for someone is to let the good with the bad. And yeah caring for someone and loving someone will bring times of happiness but there will be some others than won't be; but it is all worth it, the good times are worth the not so good ones.

Probably the time wasn't right for us, although we could have made it work if we wanted to. To let people in you have to make space for them, and that doesn't mean leaving everything for them, but arrange time to have with each other. Even if it means nothing more than doing work together. But make space for her in your life.

You are an amazing guy, my shy boy, believe it and let someone near don't drive people away.

I care for you and I hope you find what you want in life and you conquer it.




UPDATE:
I sent it, and not under alcohol or hysteria but after a long thought process and various talks with friends, so I rewrite it and this is it:

September 2011

Pain is inevitable it is part of life.

You taught me things about life and about me, and that makes it worth it. Knowing you and having you be part of my life made that pain worth it. And I would not have changed it or want it any different, because I learned from you and from us.

We talked constantly that people come into your life for a reason and they don’t always stay forever. So our time run out, but I don’t regret , I gave it all and I learned from it, yes I got hurt but as I’ve said it is part of life. To care for someone is to let the good with the bad. And yeah caring for someone and loving someone will bring times of happiness but there will be some others than won't be; but it is all worth it, the good times are worth the not so good ones.

But I hope that you learned from it too, and if there were something I would want you to keep is that you shouldn’t push people away from you. I am not saying let everybody in and let them hurt you, it is not about that, but you shouldn’t let everybody out. You shouldn’t distrust everyone.

I understand it is out of pain and panic that you didn't let me in, but not everybody is going to hurt you, not purposely at least. And you have to make space in your life for them.

You kept saying how you didn't want to push me away and how much you liked me. But in the end that is what you did.

You are an amazing guy, my shy boy, believe it and let someone near don't drive everybody away.

I care for you and I hope you find what you want in life and you conquer it.

Silence, only silence

Everything I am reminds me of you. My laugh, my jokes, my ice-cream-bars passion, my sarcasm, my complaining, my past, my future, my everything and everything...

You are in my mind, in my heart, in my thoughts, in my dreams. You are all the way around and all the way inside.

How do I forget? When will I forget? About us, about you and about everything else.

It hurts, so much and so deep. I wouldn't have imagined this much pain.

My heart aches for you, my whole body trembles.

There is only silence around me, and it is coming from you.


I forgot I don't belong to you and that you never belonged to me...

I forgot, and now there is silence, only silence

I...

I am too loud for my own good...