Game Over!!!

I lost the game. I realize that now. All the cards were played and I lost. I am not sure if you won or we just both lost. Maybe it was a no-win situation, or maybe... maybe. But it is done, it was done long ago and it is still done now.

So why am I writing about it again? Why do I keep thinking of and about you? Why do I keep remembering?

I realized it today. I fell for you. I fell in lo ve with you.

And falling out of lo ve from you; well that is the difficult part. I knew I liked you a lot, but I just recognized it, I fell in lo ve with you.

How can falling in lo ve translate to losing? to game over?

It was worth it, this is not about regretting falling for you. But it is about how I feel broken now, like a part of me is missing and I wonder if I'll ever lo ve again, will I ever be loved again? That is for me a game over, a lost game.

I mi ss yo U in my life. I mi ss walking the streets with you, laughing about Vodka, Giggles and Shy boy, about random coffee names and about our camping adventures. It aches every time I tell a story about us, because I have to disguise my feelings and our relationship. You became a friend and in stead of being funny it hurts. Daydreaming, night-dreaming and movie-dreaming is pain, pure pain.

It is not like it used to be, that everything I am reminds me of you. No, it hurts different. Because I ache for what it was, what it isn't and what it will never become.

Your friend, who became my friend said to me when talking about our broken path:

• "its okay though
  i think its honestly his lose
   you will always find better." 

  I know or I hope there is truth in his words and it helped eased the pain, but still there was no winner and the game is over...

Let's talk about me, let's color my world...

Sometimes I think I have found my voice… other I think I am still in the search…
I write to discover it, to discover me. Every step I take, takes me closer to it, to me.

I have always been red; no doubt, no questions asked. It has been my favorite color since I can remember. I would buy everything in that color, pens, clothes, bags, everything.
Now what does red means? It is passion, fire, intensity… There are no substitutions.
And I was red in all the sense of the word.
Almost a year ago something started to change, I wasn’t sure what or how, and I am not sure when did it start and when will it end, but I am changing I can feel it in the air, in the water, in the fire and mostly in me…
Suddenly I was more into purple than red, I would sometimes think purple was my favorite color. For a long time I tried to ignore it, I kept saying red was it and I was red.
When change appears it is inevitable. There is no stopping or turning back. But I didn’t understand it at all; and I didn’t like it a bit. Why was I liking purple? Why was I becoming purple? It didn’t make sense.
Suddenly I wasn’t going out that much, I was kind of laying low; all of this was making me sad and depressed, I didn’t understand at all. I was frustrated to be purple, because red is a great color, and I loved everything about being red.
After a couple of months really sad because I could see I was changing, but depressed because I wasn’t red and I was feeling purple, bug I was seeing blue. And while wondering people told me I was never going to stop being red, but I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t understand any of it. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t wanted to go out, not partying, not dancing, not nothing; even people around me didn’t understand, they thought I was getting sick or something. I didn’t want to stop being red; I was holding on to it, don’t wanting to let go.
But suddenly one day it hit me, like lighting, what I wasn’t seeing was that purple = red + blue, I was adding blue to my palette. And it made sense blue is cool, calm, and pacific; I was growing, maturing.
It was the increase in blue what made me blue, I didn’t know how to deal with it, I had never had blue in me, but I am becoming purple, a combination of red and blue. I have my red days and my blue days; I party and sometimes I stay home; I go out and sometimes I cook in; I see people and I enjoy my solitude. Now it doesn’t make me sad not wanting to go out, I enjoy my alone time, I enjoy my home. I don’t have to be out all night every night. I am growing and maturing, I am changing, but now through color I understand what is happening with me. Now I am purple, but I will always have a little red in me. I can still pull an all nighter, but I can enjoy a staying in.
Sometimes my favorite color is still red, sometimes I feel blue, but now I am purple and purple is me.

"I am not longer the same: my personality hasn't change, but certainly my being-in-the-world has." Sartre, (in a letter to Simone on Sept 28, 1939)