Rainy Friday

So I am new at this, it sounds fun, and with all the pain and anger I've been sharing, I thought I should change the mood for a bit if I can hold it.

It goes something like, I'm linking up with the little things we do and it is something of fill in the blank friday

1.   The best thing I did all week was  Going for the first time ever to the Yankee Stadium.

2.    Relaxing days      make me super happy.

3.  Pets are   such a California reminder   .

4.    Family   is the best thing about my life.

5.  With the cooler weather I am looking forward to    wearing scarves and coats .

6.  Something that's on my "wish list" right now is     shoes! beautiful new season heels!   .

7.  This weekend I am going to    go to a museum, meet family and smile  .

Have an amazing weekend!

A letter to my pain...

This is not a goodbye letter.

This is not the end of our time together. Because it ended time ago.

This is nothing more than me closing the door.

For so long I have been thinking about our time and everything, and now is time for me to let go, of you, of me, of us.

Because I never got the chance to say this face to face, now I've been cornered to write it down and publish it here, until a hysterical or drunk moment drives me to send it to you.

In the meantime I'll get it off my chest.

September 2011

You kept saying how you didn't want to push me away and how much you liked me. But after all you pushed me away, so far away that there was no way back.

I understand it is out of pain and panic that you didn't let me in, but on the longer run if you don't let anybody near then you'll suffer more.

I know you are distrustful and you've been hurt, but not everybody is going to hurt you, not purposely at least.

And as I've told you before pain is part of life, to care for someone is to let the good with the bad. And yeah caring for someone and loving someone will bring times of happiness but there will be some others than won't be; but it is all worth it, the good times are worth the not so good ones.

Probably the time wasn't right for us, although we could have made it work if we wanted to. To let people in you have to make space for them, and that doesn't mean leaving everything for them, but arrange time to have with each other. Even if it means nothing more than doing work together. But make space for her in your life.

You are an amazing guy, my shy boy, believe it and let someone near don't drive people away.

I care for you and I hope you find what you want in life and you conquer it.




UPDATE:
I sent it, and not under alcohol or hysteria but after a long thought process and various talks with friends, so I rewrite it and this is it:

September 2011

Pain is inevitable it is part of life.

You taught me things about life and about me, and that makes it worth it. Knowing you and having you be part of my life made that pain worth it. And I would not have changed it or want it any different, because I learned from you and from us.

We talked constantly that people come into your life for a reason and they don’t always stay forever. So our time run out, but I don’t regret , I gave it all and I learned from it, yes I got hurt but as I’ve said it is part of life. To care for someone is to let the good with the bad. And yeah caring for someone and loving someone will bring times of happiness but there will be some others than won't be; but it is all worth it, the good times are worth the not so good ones.

But I hope that you learned from it too, and if there were something I would want you to keep is that you shouldn’t push people away from you. I am not saying let everybody in and let them hurt you, it is not about that, but you shouldn’t let everybody out. You shouldn’t distrust everyone.

I understand it is out of pain and panic that you didn't let me in, but not everybody is going to hurt you, not purposely at least. And you have to make space in your life for them.

You kept saying how you didn't want to push me away and how much you liked me. But in the end that is what you did.

You are an amazing guy, my shy boy, believe it and let someone near don't drive everybody away.

I care for you and I hope you find what you want in life and you conquer it.

I'll work on it

So we've been working on editing photos and uploading to the blog and all sorts of things we should do while we are on a school trip in NY. Yes, yes, yes, whatever, that is right, but as photographers we do it. That and the fact that pictures and blogs have nothing to do with homework, because I am shooting a documentary. So practically and technically I am not doing homework, but don't tell my teacher, or do so if you like. Yes, I have lost my mind, and the fact that we have really slow internet even at Starbucks, doesn't make this any easier.

But on to what I was really intending to write about:

I was having a small fight with Purple Verry, because we weren't understanding each other that well, we didn't solve the problem but we moved on with other solutions. And while this heated up discussion was happening an old lady from the 3rd age was walking back, with a disapproval face, and probably thinking "that is why I don't use computers". Which made me wonder if she was referring to the Verry or to me, because if it is about the Verry I find it very very offensive, what did she ever do to her? and also well, you can only ask so much out of everything. And if she was referring to my madness, I also find that a bit aggressive and and not understanding, because I should, when I find the correct reasons I'll let you know, in the mid-time I'll stop writing non-sense and go back to "work".

Silence, only silence

Everything I am reminds me of you. My laugh, my jokes, my ice-cream-bars passion, my sarcasm, my complaining, my past, my future, my everything and everything...

You are in my mind, in my heart, in my thoughts, in my dreams. You are all the way around and all the way inside.

How do I forget? When will I forget? About us, about you and about everything else.

It hurts, so much and so deep. I wouldn't have imagined this much pain.

My heart aches for you, my whole body trembles.

There is only silence around me, and it is coming from you.


I forgot I don't belong to you and that you never belonged to me...

I forgot, and now there is silence, only silence

Midnight with Woody

Midnight in Paris by Woody Allen

¡Me encanta! ¡Me encanta! ¡Me encanta!
Es un humor completamente Woody.
Lo más interesante es que pareciera que Woody encontró sucesor para él dentro de su películas. Owen Wilson parece con su manera torpe de comportarse, su papel de escritor "amateur" (por no encontrar una mejor manera de describirlo) e ingenuidad astuta, protagonizar un papel con características típicas de los roles comúnmente protagonizados por Allen. Woody siempre será Woody, pero parece ser una nueva etapa en la que alguien más protagoniza su papel.

Y aquí los dejo con una charla de café con Ernest Hemingway,

"All men fear death. It's a natural fear that consumes us all. We fear death because we feel that we haven't loved well enough or loved at all, which ultimately are one and the same. However, when you make love with a truly great woman, one that deserves the utmost respect in this world and one that makes you feel truly powerful, that fear of death completely disappears. Because when you are sharing your body and heart with a great woman the world fades away. You two are the only ones in the entire universe. You conquer what most lesser men have never conquered before, you have conquered a great woman's heart, the most vulnerable thing she can offer to another. Death no longer lingers in the mind. Fear no longer clouds your heart. Only passion for living, and for loving, become your sole reality. This is no easy task for it takes insurmountable courage. But remember this, for that moment when you are making love with a woman of true greatness you will feel immortal."

Completamente enamorada es tiempo de caminar las calles de la ciudad...

Read around

"...
But reading isn’t what she really wants. Not deep down. What she really wants is for someone – anyone at all – to tap her on the shoulder and invite her into their world. To ask her questions and tell her stories. To be interested. To laugh with her. To want her to be a part of their life.

But it isn’t even this connection with someone new that she wants most. At least not at the deepest level. At the deepest level, in the core of her soul, even fleeting connections with others seem to interfere with what she desires most. Which is to know that she’s truly loved. That she’s not alone in this world. And that whatever she was put here to do, in time, will be done and shared with others who care.
..."

This is nor the beginning or the end of this story Where We Must Go When We Feel Lost and Alone.
But it is a story worth reading. I identify a little with it, and it makes me smile and feel sad at the same time, because I understand, I feel it, but I can sometimes overcome it.

There is also one of the comments that hits the point so accurately, and the question remains: how unsustainable are our lives?

Relations

This is an older post, but in a sense I am still thinking about the basic questions, the first paragraph still applies.

March 15, 2011,
Do we date to find the perfect relationship or the a relationship evolves into the perfect everlasting relationship?
I mean you start dating someone, someone you like, whose company you enjoy, where there is chemistry, and all you are thinking is this is the man of my life or this is the man for me right now? are we always into looking for the man of our dreams or are we enjoying the man of our time? Mr right or Mr right now?


I don't know if I am explaining myself or just rambling, but this guy I am seeing now, I am having such a fun time, we enjoy each others company, we like talking to each other, we hang out, and so on, and today he asked me what was I looking to get from this, and all I could answer was to see where this goes, there is no finish line, I am not expecting anything but rather enjoying the ride. So it got me thinking...

June 29, 2011
So what has changed? I am now dating a guy that is not asking me this, a different guy that makes me happy and makes me glow, that is not asking me to tell him what I expect or where I am going, rather letting this flow, and letting me know that this may be or it may not be, but now it is. It is and we are happy. Right now we are for each other. :)

City girl goes camping

Camping, such a fun experience after all.
I hadn't been camping ever, not even in my backyard, I kind of always wanted but never had the guts to do it, go to a place without bed and sometimes without bathrooms, whaaaaat? noooooo! jajaja
So I decided to take a Nature class, in which they go camping. It is not a joke at all, but of course it is funny. Me camping? me with nature?
So the first step was taken, but there were many challenges. I had to take photos while hanging with critters, in which I conquer my fear of snakes and hold and anaconda and a python, soooooo coooool!I had to appreciate nature, I got lost while hiking by myself. Got near bear and spiders. And so the time for camping came near, and I was freaking out, I asked for help, and got many advices. But of course I didn't feel ready and I was thinking about baking up, but I was still dragged to camping.
And sooooo:
I helped build the tent I went on hikes, I meditated by the river, slept on a sleeping bag, battled food-stealing-squirrels-and-birds, saw spiders and photographed banana slugs. Cooked by the fire, and made s'mores. I didn't showered, and my hair was a mess. I didn't bring sundresses, make-up or high heels.
It was a great experience and I had so much fun, and yes at the beginning I kind of wanted to go back home, but at the end I lo ve d it, and I am looking forward to the 5 day camping trip. (this was 3 days 2 nights)
So now I can scratch that from my to-do list! and be happy!

ready or not, here we goooo!

The question is not whether camping is ready for me, but am I ready for camping???


City Girl vs. Camping Universe

יזכור יום השואה

"The Butterfly"

The last, the very last,
So richly, brightly, dazzlingly yellow.
Perhaps if the sun's tears would sing
against a white stone. . . .

Such, such a yellow
Is carried lightly 'way up high.
It went away I'm sure because it wished to
kiss the world good-bye.

For seven weeks I've lived in here,
Penned up inside this ghetto.
But I have found what I love here.
The dandelions call to me
And the white chestnut branches in the court.
Only I never saw another butterfly.

That butterfly was the last one.
Butterflies don't live in here,
in the ghetto.

-by Pavel Friedman

Pavel Friedman was born on January 7, 1921, in Prague and deported to Terezin on April 26, 1942. He died in Auschwitz on September 29, 1944.